Just needed to vent. Just thinking about how it’s only a month away, and all the stuff that has happened to me in the past.
It’s safe to say that I’ve been through a lot and I don’t know if I want to leave high school, leave the innocent life where I could get away with almost anything.
I’ve reconnected with people and it makes me feel good, just the thought of “What if?” keeps going through my mind.
What if that didn’t end the way it did? What if we were still like that today? What if I didn’t know my path in life? What if I died tomorrow?
All of these thoughts are crowding my mind aren’t good for the fact that I have so much to do in the next 3 weeks.
I just want it to be over, all over.
The past also brought up my past about self-harm. We had a school Grad retreat and they said to think about apologies. I thought of apologizing to my mom for lying to her about what I’ve done but I can’t bring myself to it. It’s hard to stare down at my arm and see scars, but at least they’re fading? They’re not as bad as some other people’s scars, and I feel for them. Self-harm is totally and inevitably one of the worst things man could ever come up with, but it exists. It hurts and it harms.
I’ve been clean for a few months now, trying to be clean for a while. Summer’s here so I don’t want to show.
Although the one thing that’s bringing me through all of this is the fact that I’m that much closer to becoming a successful person in society with the help and support of my friends and boyfriend.
The boyfriend… don’t know what I’d do without him. I’m absolutely crazy about him. He’s one of the main reasons why my outlook of cutting has changed. I don’t understand how he loves me, but he does. And I’m happy.
I guess that’s all there is. I’m scared yet excited for the future, stressed out of my mind but I have the love of my family, friends and boyfriend to help me through it all.
Thank you <3